Poetic inspiration

She bought a Jeep. Shit, I mean: She bought an apartment. 

I had seen millions online. We tried to buy a few while still in Australia but it didn't seem to take. Finally, in Finland I went and saw two. And I bought one. Well, I bought half of one and Grant bought the other half. What I meant is that in his absence I had to do the paperwork of actually completing the purchase.  

Anyhoo, the place had a horrible kitchen. Now, in saying that it was horrible, I mean it wasn't nice to look at. It was fully functional - just a bit of an eye-sore. Grant not being here, I didn't want to do anything too major to the kitchen. Also, the place will be up for rent after we find a new adventure to go on. Wouldn't want to spend heaps of money on something that I don't get to enjoy.

The backsplash looks like the cover of an 80's hair metal band's debut album. 

I never knew how much I disliked green. I need more white. I am Nordic, after all. It's culture.

Hence, contact. You know, like when your mum covered your school books with that laminate stuff. Yeah? Well, apparently they make it for furniture too. So, I make a quick trip to the hardware store to buy some contact in anticipation of covering the hideous fake green marble bench top and backsplash. Covering fakery with more fakery? I'm sure it'll be fine.

Well, whaddaya know, it wasn't fine. The process evoked certain feelings in me that I had a hard time putting into words. I've always liked words, I've just never been particularly creative with them. That's why when the bloody plastic got stuck on itself or had bloody bubbles under it or wouldn't go around the fricking tap, I let our a few choice words of Shakespearean quality. But now the bloody thing is on the bloody counter.

Three months later and I still haven't got the silicone seams done. Perkele.

Castle maintenance man

We have a castle like any self-respecting European city should - poor Helsinki. Our castle was built by a Swede but hey, no-one is perfect. 

Turku castle was built in the late 13th century. Being built in the Middle Ages, it lacks  the lacy ornamental aesthetic of Disney princess castles. Think more Game of Thrones and Winterfell. Think more badass. 

It was built as a defensive castle. Contrary to popular belief, we do not have Whitewalkers but I guess we had challenging neighbours of our own with the Russians to the East and Vikings to the West. And I think the population itself is pretty close the Wildlings on a good day. And in Finland, the winter is always coming. Now those Vikings in the West have reverted to Ikea and pretty solid social security system and the castle isn't really needed anymore. But it looks good on photos and brings in some tourist dollars so I guess in the 60's and 70's during the Turku Disease, the powers that be let it rest where it was.

There's been some notable inhabitants that have come and gone, kings and queens, none more important than the Tonttu. Some would characterise tonttus as mythological human-like creatures from Scandinavian folklore. Those people would be wrong. Nothing mythological about tonttus. 

Tonttus are very real. They look after our dwellings. There are cabin tonttus, sauna tonttus and barn tonttus. You might be a bit sceptical but explain me this: where do the missing socks go? For the love of god and everything that is holy, where do the socks go?

Mythological they may not be, but mystical yes. I am not sure of the intricacies of tonttu anatomy but to my untrained eye, they all seem male. At least, they all have beards. I'm quite puzzled by the procreation of tonttus. Maybe one becomes a tonttu through another way. Does one apply somewhere? Does one take a course?

So, of course the castle has a tonttu of its own. This tonttu is over 800 years old and he makes sure the operation runs smoothly. I guess these days the tonttu's job description is somewhere between the office ladies' and grounds keepers'. I assume knowledge of Excel is mandatory. 

You can spot the castle tonttu whose real name is Linnantonttu at 0.53.